Jan:
Chicago
Philadelphia

Feb:
San Diego,CA

Mar:
Orlando, FL
New York (Long Island)
New York City

April:
New York (Long Island)
New York City
Kampala and Mbarara Uganda

May:
New York (Long Island)
New York City
Monterrey, Mexico

June:
Charlotte, NC

July:
New York City

Aug:
Boulder, CO
Memphis, TN

Sept:
Memphis, TN
San Diego, CA

Oct:
Bentonville, AR

Nov:
Amsterdam
Amman, Jordan
Damascus, Syria
Istanbul, Turkey

Dec:
Nashville, TN
Henderson, KY
Tulsa, OK
Bentonville, AR

Its been interesting lately to see how much I’ve changed since last year, been reading through old journals and even blog posts and its really bizarre for me. Whats crazier is to look back to high school and my first year at UT. It seems like everything has changed, I don’t even recognize that person.

When I came to UT I was extremely awkward introvert. I didn’t really hangout with anyone but my roommate most of my freshman year. I don’t really know what I did looking back… I think I played video games and watched a lot of tv, but not much else. Pretty sad because it was an awesome opportunity for me to meet people and grow in my faith as well as learn a little responsibility…. that didn’t exactly happen til later.

Its bizarre to me because I don’t think I’m an introvert anymore… I hate being by myself most of the time. Thats not always true, but for the majority of my days it is. I hate coming home to an empty apartment or house… I don’t think I could ever live alone. I don’t really watch tv anymore except with other people. Everything I do for entertainment I seem to like more because its a context for spending time with people than being entertained…. music is probably the only exception to this, but even then as I listen to music I’m thinking about who I know that I think would like it.

Even my political views and moral views on somethings have totally swapped. I used to be opposed to alcohol in any form, in any amount by anyone… so much so that I barely attended my own sisters wedding reception because they were serving it. I look back at that now and think “How could I have been that closed minded… how could I let my view on something lead to such judgment of those I love”.

I used to be enthralled with war strategy and technology, especially aviation. Until my junior year of high school I wanted to be an aircraft designer… mostly working on fighters for the military. I have literally a hundred pages of drawing for potential planes and even a few weapons systems I did back home. Before that I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was a kid. And now if you know me at all you’ll find all of that very bizarre.

I actually remember watching the news after 9/11 when we invaded Afghanistan and later Iraq with awe of the US military might and how amazingly strong and courageous and at the time “right” we were.

I remember debating at good ‘ol DHO my freshman year about the death penalty and I was ardently for it. That is not the case now at all.

What I’ve realized is in most of those areas my views on something were shaped by what I thought and I had seen and learned from others. These were not grounded in the Truth, but rather my own mind and the opinion of those around me… and yet I would have claimed that truth is not relative! How hypocritical… to have thought I knew what was right when I was blindly following things other than the Truth.

All of these things I write to remind my self that God is continually molding and changing me and that there is no area of my life big or small in which he cannot work.

I seriously doubt at times that He can change certain things about me. There are areas of my life where I seem to regret the past yet keep repeating it, and for all the change that has happened in the last 6 years, some things have stayed the same. What it boils down to is that on some level, consious or unconsious, I doubt that He who has conquered sin and even death can change me. The real issue is not doubt though. My theology tells me He can change anything, and more than that my experience confirms it.

Why do I doubt then?

I think the answer to that is that when I doubt I’m really doubting myself… I’m looking at how many times I’ve tried to do something, to change something and failed and attributing my failure to God…. how messed up is that?? I simply need to let go in certain areas of my life. give up control because I’ve been fighting on my own in vain for too long.

God simply never ceases to amaze me though. In so many ways in the last few weeks, he has blessed me beyond anything I could have ever asked. Sometimes its easy of me to forget that and turn to doubt and despair, but He always brings me back and everytime He teaches me to trust Him and everytime another piece of me falls away, another bit of control is given up, and my heart is set at rest and I feel free.

lately i’ve just been thinking, thinking way too much about all kinds of stuff. it seems like only a month or more ago i had a lot of things figured out and now i’m pretty much clueless about it all. the last few weeks have been up and down and i’ve been in a funk that isn’t readily describable and not linked to any one thing in my life but rather a mixture of a lot of uncertainties and fears that i don’t fully understand.

its late now though, and i’m tired of thinking

—–

I can’t stop staring at myself
My face reflected in this empty plate
I can’t decide if it’s the devil
Or if it’s just something I ate
‘Cause he’s been down there all morning
He’s patiently waiting at my gate
He’s throwing rocks at my window
“Hey won’t you come on out and play with me”

And everyday when I get up
I see folks trading in their crowns
For all these paper or plastic lives
An opiate for the masses’ hounds
And pride like a vestige of lives lost
The stench of the old folks coming around
Now with the news I heard today
I can’t tell if this world is lost or found

You go, I’ll be waiting here
And I’m awake, no I cannot sleep
So I’ll sit upon this rock is you
I ain’t standing up for nothing

I’ve never seen my congressman
But I can’t deny that he exists
‘Cause I’ve seen his legislation pass
I’ve seen his name on the ballot list
Same I can’t deny this fallen world
Though not my home it’s where I live
How can I preserve and light the way
For a world that I can’t admit I’m in

‘Cause I know who you say you are
But these crows can’t be made to stop
So I’ll sit denying by this fire
I ain’t standing up for nothing

Lack of interest leads to
Lack of knowledge leads to
Lack of perspective leads to
Lack of communication leads to
Lack of understanding leads to
Lack of concern leads to
This complacency denotes
This approval denies
The truth

But I can’t stop staring at myself
It’s my face reflected in this empty plate
And I know that it’s the devil

So you lead, I’ll be close behind
So you speak, I’ll hang on your words
You gotta lift me from this hardened tree
‘Cause I ain’t standing up for nothing
—–

From The Good News about Injustice by Gary Haugen:

As one who has with his own hands sorted through the remains of thousands of slaughtered Tutsi corpses, as one who has heard with his own ears the screams of boys being beaten like dogs by South African police, as one who has looked with his own eyes into the dull, blank stares of Asian girls abused in subhuman ways, I hope in the Word of God. For in the Scriptures and in the life of Jesus Christ, I have come to know God–my Maker, the Creator of heaven and earth, the sovereign Lord of the nations. It is through his Word that God reveals his character, and it is God’s character, and God’s character alone, that gives me hope to seek justice amid the brutality I witness.

This hope is not cheap, nor is it easy. In a genuinely fallen world Jesus neither offers us cheap grace nor cheap hope. But it is a hope honest enough to contend with the ugly oppression of our world, and it is a hope that has power to prevail against the worst that hell can bring to earth.

From my pamphlet on Yellow Fever vaccine:

More than half of the people who suffer these side effects die

Thanks for the encouragement CDC.

Because maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell ‘em so
And then maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

Because I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people
And I’m a little young to live
Like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, a fish out of water
Because we’re all just the same
We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted
By the corners of our eyes
As our fathers were, and theirs before and all those before them,
And still I glance around

And with the way I stare you’d think I’d seen through a two-by-four
And with the way I walk you’d think I’d never seen grace before

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

But I’ve been putting up, putting down too many things
That I know nothing about,
but I’m jealous of, holding pride as tight as I can
like she was my only daughter

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

‘Cause the truth’s not contingent on me.
Caedmon’s Call::The Truth (click to hear)

My travel stint ends on Feb. 20th and unless I volunteer for more trips (which I will for a few) I’m officially done with travel on that day. Its a good feeling. Spending the majority of the last 6 months on the road has worn me down a lot more than I thought it would have. I realized the last few weeks just how disconnected I had become from everything in austin.

The last few weeks in austin have been great though. God is doing some awesome stuff and building up a community thats real, seeking, and transparent. At the same time He’s been doing a lot in my life too and using the community to complement it. Not sure how to really explain it all other than to say that I feel more alive now than I can ever remember.

The last 24 hours have been pretty interesting. This trip was pretty laid back over all, everything went incredibly well, no issues with what we were deploying onsite… almost to the point of being spooky.

Yesterday I went to the art museum after we got done early onsite… it was awesome, its really cool to see how much art reflects culture of the time. It was interesting to see just how much the renassaince really did change. European paintings before the 1500′s that were there are almost always focused on Christ or some part of the passion. Paintings after that are more about people and individuals… the abrupt shift of focus is actually pretty bizarre.

On my way back I got some starbucks and as a result was still wired at 11 so I decided to run. I have meant to run to the art museum and do the whole up the rocky steps things every time I’ve been in philly but had yet to do it. So at 11 I went for a 3 mile run in downtown philly… it was great.

I got back and still was wired, didn’t get to sleep til about 1 and then woke back up at 3 at which point I checked on one final thing for the facility here from my hotel room… and of course, it had blown up, so at 5 am I was riding in a cab to the facility and missing my flight. All is well now, in fact better in someways, I caught it before it caused a problem on their end and found a problem on the customers end as well that I fixed and saved them a few hours of confusion for which they were so grateful they forgot about the problem on our end that I had to fix.

Whats even funnier to me is that b/c of the issue on their end I was able to cleanly fix the problem on our end. In fact if they hadn’t messed up on their end it would have been much much worse. Praise God, I have no idea how things would have turned out otherwise.

So in the last 24 hours I learned to be fascinated by art, ran 3 miles and did the rocky thing, missed my flight, and saved the day at work… now I’m flying back to austin for dnow and eventually a little sleep…. should be fun.

Right now I’m in a car heading to JFK airport and thanks to my glorious employer, I can surf the web and such from the laptop they gave me while I’m sitting in traffic. Verizon and its awesome wireless card are due some credit too I suppose. I feel so ridiculous using this… not that its not awesome, but I would never personally pay for it and it seems so excessive. At the same time I know how many times its saved my butt, and how much work its let me get done on the road… all of which would impact the company if we didn’t use it.

All that aside… New York is stinkin awesome. This is one of the most amazing places in the world, but its a little strange because its a man made wonder. Its almost like humanities collective pride shouting out “look at how glorious I am”. I can’t help but be anything but amazed by this place, but at the same time wonder what sort of mindset and temperament of the soul produced it all.

So yeah… odd thing to think about I guess. I did end up taking a lot of pictures. By a lot I mean somewhere around 1800 to 2000 pictures. I’m spending the flight home STARTING on a best of list that I can give to the rest of the people that went, but thats prolly going to take a while.

I really miss home (austin) right now. It was great to come to New York, I even want to live here at somepoint if I get the chance, but I’ve only spent a few days in austin the in the last month and I’ve only slept in my own bed a handful of times since I moved in. I love to travel, but its really starting to take its toll, the next two weeks I must get some rest really feel at home for a while b/c January will be the craziest travel month yet and I might go crazy or just die of exhaustion if I don’t relax for at least a weekend.

My truck is dead now too… hit a bmw 645i from behind and it owned my truck. I was planning on getting a new car in Feb anyways, but not its happening next week when I get back from Christmas travels… Going to get a civic si sedan, should be pretty nice, not too expensive, but still fun which I like. Hopefully all will go well with that.

Heading back to Seymour tomorrow, then on to Dallas and back to Austin on the 26th or 27th.

Death Cab + New York = awesome
—-
If I Could Open My Arms
And Span The Length Of The Isle Of Manhattan
I’d Bring It To Where You Are
Making A Lake Of The East River And Hudson
If I Could Open My Mouth
Wide Enough For A Marching Band To March Out
They Would Make Your Name Sing
And Bend Through Alleys And Bounce Off all the Buildings

I’ve had two days off here in austin since I got back from Philly… really 3 days b/c one was travel, but I got in early so the rest of the day wasn’t lost. Today I actually got board and thought about going into the office… not because I was needed there or anything, but simple b/c everyone I know is busy and I’d already run out of things to do… pretty sad I guess.

Its odd to think that I’ve been working for more than 6 months full time with only a few day long breaks… I’ve had weekends, but less than most people since I’ve worked through many of them on the road. Its finally vacation time for me, next week and this week was really vacation b/c I’ll have worked only two days this week after tomorrow, one day in Philly and one day in the office here in austin.

Whats crazy is I remember UT semesters being so long and always waiting and anticipating the break so I could relax and do nothing… now I have a vacation for the first time in 6 months after spending half of it in another state and its not that big of a deal… I’m excited about going to New York with my friends, but the time off isn’t really a big deal… for somereason this makes no sense to me. Guess it means I like what I’m doing for my job.

I’ve got lots of pictures from travels and home and more to come from NY so expect lots to be posted durring my vacation.

About a month ago I wasn’t too sure that my job was really were I was meant to be, that it was really were God wanted to use me, now thats pretty clear and I know I’m where I should be, so thanks to all of you who have been praying for that… I’m excited to see how He is going to use me and how He is going to teach me and mold me through the next couple of months.

January is going to be insane… I’ve been traveling a lot, but January will be rediculous. I already knew I was going to Chicago for a trade show, San Diego to see Nathan, Philly for a software release, and Charlotte, NC for another software release, but while I was in Philly my boss told me I’ll be doing a release in New Jersey as well during January… so that makes 5 states in one month…. I’m not sure how theres enough time… I might end up flying from one place to the next on some sort of nomadic transamerican quest… should be interesting, but its not going to be easy.

While all this is going on, life goes on in austin with all of my friends and one of the things I’ve realized over the last few months is that its very different to move away from all of your friends than to still be living in the same city and just never there… its hard to stay connected with people b/c your mind set is still in the mode of well I’ll see them at this or that when in reality its like you don’t even live there… thus far I’ve treated every trip like simply a short trip.

What I’m learning is I need to treat it as though I no longer live in austin… otherwise I’ll always be too disconnected from everything.

Time for sleep early, I’m going into the office tomorrow for a day then off for vacation… odd but it will be fun, happy hour at the office should be good with everyone in town after lots of travels.

Tomorrow morning I’m flying out at 6:45 for philly again, I’m somewhat excited about it, somewhat not. I’m excited about getting to dress warm and the possibility of snow there next week, the work won’t be overwhelming (shouldn’t be ), but at the same time I got kinda used to be in austin for a few weeks straight and feeling disconnected from everything again last week made me miss it a bit more than the last time I was gone.

On other fronts, thanksgiving was good, ended up having Eugene from Ukraine and Alex and Juice from Mexico all spending the night at the same time… we should start a hostel, it would be awesome… even give joe don a captive audience for trying out standup.

I was thinking yesterday about how I was a year ago… about the way I handle things at work and just in daily life and how much its changed… even from a few months ago. Its really bizarre… only a few years ago it seems like I had a hard time having a decent conversation with someone I’ve known for more than a year and now I find my self talking with random people in far off lands (i’ve always wanted to say that)

At the same time I feel like I’m not a giving and focused on others as I used to be… I feel like I don’t have time to help people sometimes when before I think I would have (notice all the I’s :-/). Then again I wonder how much of what I did was out of real concern for others and how much was out of wanting some sort of weird attention from them by helping them… I’m not saying either is why I did or do things… I honestly don’t know.

I just pray that I’m always willing to take time for those in need around me no matter how I feel or what my day has been like or how much time I “feel” like I have to help them.

I used to think no one really listened to what I said or the advice I gave… I know different now and I try to be very careful with my words and my advice and be very intentional and caring about what I say…. While I wasn’t exactly a chatter mouth who offended all in sight before, I never really cared enough to really use it to make an impact in someones day, week, life.

All of this to say, I look at these things and I see circumstances and people in my life that brought about these changes, some were fun, most were not, and I realize how much out of my control it all has been and how blessed I am. God pulled me out of so much… so much more than I realized I was in until recently, and all the time I was running from Him and the responsibilities I had been placed in by His providence, He never stopped chasing me and ultimately used my mistakes and my failures for my own good….

How awesome is He?? He has taken the darkest places in my life and used them to transform me and bless me in ways I never could have imagined and He has done the same for each and every person whether they recognize it or not…

All over the world and right next door people live without hope, hope for food, hope for life, hope for love and all around them God is raising up people of hope, people of peace, people of love to show them Himself, to point them to Him and a hope thats is so much more than anything in this world.

—
it happened then, it happens now
they let you in, they let you down
and its feels like, we cant get out
and it feels like, hell…

i think im safer in an airplane,
i think im safer with my lungs full of smoke
i think im safer on the jet way,
than a world without hope

the day came in, the day went out
and not a bit of peace was spoken about
and it feels like, a suicidal world
and it feels like, hell…

i think im safer in an airplane,
i think im safer if i run through the streets
i think im safer on the jetway,
than a world without peace

oh, my arms will stretch out when they’ve had enough
oh, when they’re tired of holding up us

i think im safer on an airplane,
i think im safer in the sky up above,
i think on safer on the jetway,
than a world without..

i think im safer on an airplane,
i think im safer in the sky up above
i think on safer on the jetway,
than a world without love.

1.) This week, heading to Carrolton, TX (basically dallas) for work until thanksgiving.
2.) Traveling back to philly for a week or two for work, not sure exact dates, but I know its gonna happen
3.) New York for a week long vacation.
4.) Back to Seymour for a day or two for Christmas, then prolly Dallas and back to Austin.
5.) Feisty’s wedding in Houston.
6.) Chicago for Promat with work.
7.) The day after Chicago I might be going to San Deigo for the weekend.
8.) Charlotte, NC for work sometime in Jan.
9.) Possibly Bentonville, AR in the middle of all of this for work.

So bascially 9 cities and 6 states in the span of about two months which is ridiculous.

I like travel, so this is going to be fun, but none the less a bit insane as I hadn’t even flown until march of this year.

I found this on the calendar at the house… apparently my funeral has already been planned… go figure: