Waffle of the Ancients

I sat down a few days ago and wasn’t thinking about how crazy this last year has been… Its been a blast, but insane at the same time. I realized I travelled so much that I was pretty sure I forgot a few of the places… so I sat down and made a list so I won’t forget, thought I don’t think everything made the list… I’m sure I still managed to forget someplace:

Jan:
Chicago
Philadelphia

Feb:
San Diego,CA

Mar:
Orlando, FL
New York (Long Island)
New York City

April:
New York (Long Island)
New York City
Kampala and Mbarara Uganda

May:
New York (Long Island)
New York City
Monterrey, Mexico

June:
Charlotte, NC

July:
New York City

Aug:
Boulder, CO
Memphis, TN

Sept:
Memphis, TN
San Diego, CA

Oct:
Bentonville, AR

Nov:
Amsterdam
Amman, Jordan
Damascus, Syria
Istanbul, Turkey

Dec:
Nashville, TN
Henderson, KY
Tulsa, OK
Bentonville, AR

Seems like time has flown by this last year. Hard to believe I’ve been working and traveling for more than a year now. Its unreal to me to be honest, I don’t feel like its been that long, nor to I really connect with how things were before which is odd.

Its been interesting lately to see how much I’ve changed since last year, been reading through old journals and even blog posts and its really bizarre for me. Whats crazier is to look back to high school and my first year at UT. It seems like everything has changed, I don’t even recognize that person.

When I came to UT I was extremely awkward introvert. I didn’t really hangout with anyone but my roommate most of my freshman year. I don’t really know what I did looking back… I think I played video games and watched a lot of tv, but not much else. Pretty sad because it was an awesome opportunity for me to meet people and grow in my faith as well as learn a little responsibility…. that didn’t exactly happen til later.

Its bizarre to me because I don’t think I’m an introvert anymore… I hate being by myself most of the time. Thats not always true, but for the majority of my days it is. I hate coming home to an empty apartment or house… I don’t think I could ever live alone. I don’t really watch tv anymore except with other people. Everything I do for entertainment I seem to like more because its a context for spending time with people than being entertained…. music is probably the only exception to this, but even then as I listen to music I’m thinking about who I know that I think would like it.

Even my political views and moral views on somethings have totally swapped. I used to be opposed to alcohol in any form, in any amount by anyone… so much so that I barely attended my own sisters wedding reception because they were serving it. I look back at that now and think “How could I have been that closed minded… how could I let my view on something lead to such judgment of those I love”.

I used to be enthralled with war strategy and technology, especially aviation. Until my junior year of high school I wanted to be an aircraft designer… mostly working on fighters for the military. I have literally a hundred pages of drawing for potential planes and even a few weapons systems I did back home. Before that I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was a kid. And now if you know me at all you’ll find all of that very bizarre.

I actually remember watching the news after 9/11 when we invaded Afghanistan and later Iraq with awe of the US military might and how amazingly strong and courageous and at the time “right” we were.

I remember debating at good ‘ol DHO my freshman year about the death penalty and I was ardently for it. That is not the case now at all.

What I’ve realized is in most of those areas my views on something were shaped by what I thought and I had seen and learned from others. These were not grounded in the Truth, but rather my own mind and the opinion of those around me… and yet I would have claimed that truth is not relative! How hypocritical… to have thought I knew what was right when I was blindly following things other than the Truth.

All of these things I write to remind my self that God is continually molding and changing me and that there is no area of my life big or small in which he cannot work.

I seriously doubt at times that He can change certain things about me. There are areas of my life where I seem to regret the past yet keep repeating it, and for all the change that has happened in the last 6 years, some things have stayed the same. What it boils down to is that on some level, consious or unconsious, I doubt that He who has conquered sin and even death can change me. The real issue is not doubt though. My theology tells me He can change anything, and more than that my experience confirms it.

Why do I doubt then?

I think the answer to that is that when I doubt I’m really doubting myself… I’m looking at how many times I’ve tried to do something, to change something and failed and attributing my failure to God…. how messed up is that?? I simply need to let go in certain areas of my life. give up control because I’ve been fighting on my own in vain for too long.

God simply never ceases to amaze me though. In so many ways in the last few weeks, he has blessed me beyond anything I could have ever asked. Sometimes its easy of me to forget that and turn to doubt and despair, but He always brings me back and everytime He teaches me to trust Him and everytime another piece of me falls away, another bit of control is given up, and my heart is set at rest and I feel free.

two months to the day since i last posted, lots has happened, went to uganda, new york again, monterrey, charlotte, home a few times, and a few other random places, crazy couple of months

lately i’ve just been thinking, thinking way too much about all kinds of stuff. it seems like only a month or more ago i had a lot of things figured out and now i’m pretty much clueless about it all. the last few weeks have been up and down and i’ve been in a funk that isn’t readily describable and not linked to any one thing in my life but rather a mixture of a lot of uncertainties and fears that i don’t fully understand.

its late now though, and i’m tired of thinking

—–

I can’t stop staring at myself
My face reflected in this empty plate
I can’t decide if it’s the devil
Or if it’s just something I ate
‘Cause he’s been down there all morning
He’s patiently waiting at my gate
He’s throwing rocks at my window
“Hey won’t you come on out and play with me”

And everyday when I get up
I see folks trading in their crowns
For all these paper or plastic lives
An opiate for the masses’ hounds
And pride like a vestige of lives lost
The stench of the old folks coming around
Now with the news I heard today
I can’t tell if this world is lost or found

You go, I’ll be waiting here
And I’m awake, no I cannot sleep
So I’ll sit upon this rock is you
I ain’t standing up for nothing

I’ve never seen my congressman
But I can’t deny that he exists
‘Cause I’ve seen his legislation pass
I’ve seen his name on the ballot list
Same I can’t deny this fallen world
Though not my home it’s where I live
How can I preserve and light the way
For a world that I can’t admit I’m in

‘Cause I know who you say you are
But these crows can’t be made to stop
So I’ll sit denying by this fire
I ain’t standing up for nothing

Lack of interest leads to
Lack of knowledge leads to
Lack of perspective leads to
Lack of communication leads to
Lack of understanding leads to
Lack of concern leads to
This complacency denotes
This approval denies
The truth

But I can’t stop staring at myself
It’s my face reflected in this empty plate
And I know that it’s the devil

So you lead, I’ll be close behind
So you speak, I’ll hang on your words
You gotta lift me from this hardened tree
‘Cause I ain’t standing up for nothing
—–

Long time since the last post, lots has happened. Getting ready for a week in Uganda with spence, then NY for work again and then maybe San Diego (nathan), Mexico (monterrey), and Italy (work) too

From The Good News about Injustice by Gary Haugen:

As one who has with his own hands sorted through the remains of thousands of slaughtered Tutsi corpses, as one who has heard with his own ears the screams of boys being beaten like dogs by South African police, as one who has looked with his own eyes into the dull, blank stares of Asian girls abused in subhuman ways, I hope in the Word of God. For in the Scriptures and in the life of Jesus Christ, I have come to know God–my Maker, the Creator of heaven and earth, the sovereign Lord of the nations. It is through his Word that God reveals his character, and it is God’s character, and God’s character alone, that gives me hope to seek justice amid the brutality I witness.

This hope is not cheap, nor is it easy. In a genuinely fallen world Jesus neither offers us cheap grace nor cheap hope. But it is a hope honest enough to contend with the ugly oppression of our world, and it is a hope that has power to prevail against the worst that hell can bring to earth.

From my pamphlet on Yellow Fever vaccine:

More than half of the people who suffer these side effects die

Thanks for the encouragement CDC.

I’ve been putting on and putting off too many people
And I’m getting old to live
like an injured man, ailments and unfilled prescriptions,
like the nose on my face
Like a broken boat, a safety raft, and a love for the water
Well I just can’t decide
To sink or swim, it’s me or them,Should I save myself
or go back for the others

Because maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell ‘em so
And then maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

Because I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people
And I’m a little young to live
Like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, a fish out of water
Because we’re all just the same
We’re all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted
By the corners of our eyes
As our fathers were, and theirs before and all those before them,
And still I glance around

And with the way I stare you’d think I’d seen through a two-by-four
And with the way I walk you’d think I’d never seen grace before

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

But I’ve been putting up, putting down too many things
That I know nothing about,
but I’m jealous of, holding pride as tight as I can
like she was my only daughter

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

‘Cause the truth’s not contingent on me.
Caedmon’s Call::The Truth (click to hear)